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PUB.lication’s Epic List of New Year Resolutions

January 2, 2012

1. Buy more records. Listen to more music. Buy some proper decks and become a eurodance DJ megastar. Fulfill lifelong ambition of being able to mix Guns N’ Roses and Barbra Streisand seamlessly and with an appreciative audience present. Don’t Rain On My Parade.

2. Start – and finish –  the sixth issue of PUB.lication’s inimitable and ever-haphazard print zine. As usual I will not reveal the theme but I can say that these boys have it all figured out:

3. Venture further down my fashion dream of becoming the perfect almagation of Anita from 2 Unlimited, Patti Smith’s braids and Lady Gaga’s orange lipstick from the Marry The Night video. Actually this is rather oversimplifying my ambitions and as such I have created a fashion mood board for 2012. Female suits, bondage ropes, the spirit of 90s Versace (as always!) and make-up* – especially eyebrows – that make you look a bit wierd are my predictions for the next 12 months of style.

*I’m bringing back brown lipliner. You are either with me or against me.

4. Upgrade PUB.lication HQ. I just want a little space to call my own where I can stack the walls high with books and play Bad Brains at full blast without attracting hostile neighbourly attention. This will do nicely:

5. Peace on earth.

6. Start a chain of restaurants called Shut Up And Eat where the music is played so loudly that no one can talk and you don’t have to put up with hearing other people’s annoying conversation. Great for awkward first dates.

7. Expand ‘Shut Up and…’ brand to clubs called Shut Up and Dance. No seating areas, no chill-out rooms – just an unforgiving Saturday Night Fever-style dancefloor surrounded on three of four sides by a bar that only serves hard liquor (pints are not for the dancefloor people!).

8. Abandon above said plans for the low budget Shut Up And Party option. If I get invited to one more ‘house party’ where the music is optional and talking is compulsory, you can forget about social graces. There is a very good reason why Prince’s Housequake starts off with the lyrics: ‘Shut Up Already, Damn!’. If your party doesn’t look like a Nelly video I will walk out after the first five minutes shouting ‘TIME WASTERS!’ at the top of my voice. Perhaps not before I drop a Beyonce Bomb in the living room.

9. Invent Beyonce Bomb. Special gadget specially designed for ‘talking parties’. When dropped it bursts into a very, very loud 20-minute long Beyonce medley. Disarming not an option. Dance or die, muthafuckas.

10. Go to a Lady Gaga/Patti Smith/Erykah Badu/Simply Red performing live on top of a boat concert.

11. Make Simpy Red cool again.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 9, 2012 11:33 pm

    Lady gaga is such a good performer. Every show so great.

Trackbacks

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