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The Pop Curriculum

November 12, 2009

Safe sex, promiscuity, inadequate manhood, booty calls, the importance of foreplay; this is just a shortlist of the numerous sex-related topics that Eurodance gleefully covered in their inimitable hi-NRG style. Perhaps I could look back on my childhood musical preferences like an indignant parent trying to protect my own innocent 11-year-old ears but maybe I’m all the better for it.

It’s not like I wasn’t already pouring over the sex-ed pages of Bravo, Germany’s Smash Hits equivalent. Their Dr Sommer Team [or Dr Summer Team, if you will] never shied away from ‘risqué’ subjects like the onslaught of puberty, masturbation or ‘heavy petting’ [browsing through their current website, I’m pleased to see that’s still a term they’re happily appropriating].

I remember one of my first, pre-pubescent boyfriends buying me the The Outhere Brothers’ ‘Boom Boom Boom’ single as a birthday present. For those of you unfamiliar with this euro-approved American rap duo’s lyrics, I quote: ‘Girl your booty is so round, I just wanna lay you down, Let me take you from behind, I won’t cum until it’s time, But if I cannot sleep with you, Maybe I could have a taste, Put your niney on my tongue, And your booty on my face’.

Unless you’ve just turned the page in horror and disgust, I know what you’re thinking: ‘You were young, you probably had no idea what they were talking about’. Actually, I distinctly remember laughing about it with my sister because (a) my sweet male love interest probably had no clue that he had just given me the most overtly suggestive song in the charts and (b) all this sexy talk was pretty far-fetched considering we never even kissed.

Around this time, another one of my fave tunes came courtesy of 20 Fingers ft Gillette. A regular on our monthly school disco playlist, my girlfriends and I strutted around the dancefloor to ‘Short Dick Man’ waving our diminutive thumb/pointing finger combination, copied directly from the single’s cover art in the faces of our unsuspecting male peers. It didn’t matter that the radio-friendly version promoted [or demoted] the ‘Short Short Man’, our unison shouts of ‘dick’ drowned out any PG-rated attempts at disguise.

As another US act that Eurodance lovingly embraced, 20 Fingers enlisted a series of singers to front their dirty house pop. Gillette was followed by Roula, who with Lick It, was on a female-entitlement mission with the gloriously catchy slogan: ‘You’ve got to lick it before we kick it’.

Now I’ll be honest with you, at the time, unless it was as obvious as ‘niney on my tongue’, sexual innuendo regarding ‘getting head’ went straight over my clueless cranium, even with poetic lyrics like ‘give my cat a kiss and make it purr so we can do this right’ and the subtle ‘meow’ that followed it. But its nursery rhyming skills surely stuck with me until the light bulb of naivety went out, and the new, sexually on-the-ball one went on.

At this time, a new gender-bending act was on the scene and for once a fully-fledged European one. Germany’s Sin With Sebastian didn’t subscribe to innuendo; donning a pair of angel wings, multi-coloured hair and severe amounts of guy-liner his demands were simple and upfront: ‘Shut Up and Sleep With Me’.

So to paraphrase: we were young and we were free, but we were also extremely underage to be engaging in any of Sebastian’s free-for-all love-in. Plus it was hard to take him seriously, with his comical, heavy German accent and statements such as: ‘I like your body, not so much I like your mind’. Does he like my body but not my mind? Or is it the other way round? I’m so confused.

But really this brings us to the MacDaddy of Eurodance sex-ed: E-Rotic. By the time they blew up, I was slowly losing faith in the Eurodance movement but these guys were unavoidable. They took what Roula started and ran a whole marathon with it, pushing the limits of sordid nursery rhymes to extremes. ‘Fritz Love My Titz’, ‘Fred Come to Bed’, ‘Oh Willy use a billy, don’t be silly’ from the condom-branded song ‘Willy Use A Billy…Boy’ that even went as far as ‘scilly willy, a billy for your thrilly toy’. And no ‘scilly’, is not a spelling mistake.

But my all time favourite has to be ‘Max Don’t Have Sex With Your Ex’ because [can you guess?] ‘it will make your life complex’. Now if that isn’t the best piece of relationship advice ever, then tell me what is? In fact, I’ve just seen my neighbour leave the house with his ex-boyfriend. The last time they were together, the police had to be called to break up the fight. He obviously hasn’t listened to E-Rotic enough.

And there you have it. Not even Dr Alban could resist adding his own two-penny’s worth with ‘Roll Down Di Rubber Man’ [Roll it down, safe sex = safe life]. But whether it was AIDs-aware or overt eroti-pop, the Eurodance invasion into my tween music collection all seems quite sensible in comparison to its UK counterpart The Shamen and their secret, drug-touting messages disguised as ‘Ebeneezer Goode’ . But considering how baffled I was by Roula, I probably wouldn’t have clocked those either.

[Originally published in PUB.lication: The Eurodance Issue]

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